I am at peace with being single. No, really. It’s cool. I am appreciating all of the extra time I have to focus on my creative pursuits/drinking.
This announcement should not be construed as a cheap attempt to use reverse psychology on the Universe. The Universe is far too clever and would instantly pierce through such a flimsy façade. The Universe is also looking mighty fine in that dress tonight. You been working out?
Ahem.
Being single is awesome.
That is all.
Sometimes I wish I could just date. Sometimes I wish I could just be the person she needed, whoever “she” happened to be at the time. Sometimes I want to ignore the extra layer of information I see superimposed over the world, my soul’s HUD for navigating waking life. But the pull of that silver path is too strong. And I want to follow it, even if it leads to my nemesis. No one wants to face rejection because of an aetheric arrow. No one wants to hear about time out of phase. My criteria is beyond unreasonable and I find this offends those who hear it. Simply put: She lights up. And I … ignite.
So this is an apology to all of the wonderful women who just seem so right, who just make so much sense. I’m sorry. Just think of me as a visitor to your planet, bound by alien directives and customs. It will be easier to explain my behavior that way. I’m sorry. You did not stand a chance against the avatar, the one I am moving toward as the sun moves toward the sea. I don’t want you to save me.
Historically, December is a difficult month for me, the darkest part of a yearly cycle. My wonderful friend Kristina, who practices Oriental medicine, decided to make a preemptive strike on this low season by prescribing some herbs. The Chinese name is Chai Hu Long Gu Mu Li Wan, but the more exciting, Potions class name for it is Bupleurum Dragonbone Oyster Shell. Already the herbs are taking the edge off.
I typically feel anxiety which rapidly snowballs into paranoia. Fantastical ideas about the people I know and their dark plots against me bloom in my mind. I realize how their supposed friendship was all just an elaborate ruse engineered to destroy me. No one actually cares about me and indeed they wish me harm. So I must be wary and watchful, striking first if I can. I peer out at the world from behind a veil, sensing that some unprecedented event is imminent. I fear that I will fall up into the sky or fly apart into my component molecules. The world fills with weird angles and indictments emanate from magazine ads and YouTube videos.
That’s how it usually goes. But in these past few years of doing actual work on these issues, they haven’t disappeared so much as become familiar monsters which I know how to handle. Having help in these times is an unexpected joy. I typically just go it alone, re-emerging on the other side. So I am very thankful for her.
I want to retreat into a cocoon and burst forth months hence as a better person for everyone in my life, including me. Lately it seems as if all my energy is devoted to countering all the tiny stresses which flow in an insidious undercurrent that doesn’t feel like stress. The net result is that I’m just okay, just getting by. Ambitions and drives fizzle easily. There is no Great Work welling up inside me, no stories, no art. Getting the laundry done has become a noteworthy event, a sign that the day did not die in vain. All other tasks or concepts overwhelm.
I wander out of my quarters, wondering where the crew has gone. I spin the steering wheel out of boredom. Direction doesn’t matter when there is no land in sight. All the maps have blown overboard anyway.
As a few of you know, I went to Ohio a little while ago to see my sister Vanessa in the hospital. She is dying from complications from diabetes. While there is no date set, she has a few months left to live and I won’t ever see her again. The doctors have never seen a case of gastroparesis as bad as hers. Basically her digestive system has stopped working. She is hooked up to a bunch of tubes for nutrition, medication and excretion. She was in constant pain and, for whatever fucking reason, is on enough painkillers for 20 people (as estimated by the doctor in the new hospital). She is addicted to those narcotics now and it would take a month to wean her off. She could go through a month of agony to gain some mental coherence, or stay in her current relatively pain-free state, but not know what day it is.
She has three young daughters who live with my mother. Her plan is to take care of them as she has been for the past year or so. That is a whole other issue.
I don’t want my sister to die. But she has been sick for a long time and everything has been tried to save her. She doesn’t have a high quality of life right now. She’s been in bed for so long that she can no longer walk.
I’m doing okay. This is always in the back of my mind until something brings it to the forefront. I don’t really want this to be about me. I just wanted to update those of you who were following this and let the rest of my friends know the deal.
A few days earlier, Beth had made an oblique reference that she knew where Cathy had ended up. I mentally filed that away, but didn’t bring it up again. Most of the time I have the context “Cathy who?” She doesn’t come up in the day to day. But there are ordinary objects, places, phrases and people which are actually disguised keys that unlock a hidden time period. In this group of friends, the Cathy-shaped gap must be quite prominent for them. I never really thought about it until now. She essentially fell off the face of the planet for seven years. For all of us. Continue reading →
The ocean is one of those places where I don’t need to use English. I stop trying to find the right words and just communicate.
Due to lack of foresight and sun block, my nose was horribly sunburned for over a week.
This guy on the right is Scott. He graciously allowed my friends and I to invade his boat at Marina del Rey. Scott makes movies. It would behoove you to get to know him while he is still an indie filmmaker. See what is up at Sirena Studios.
As you can tell from the pictures, it is impossible for us not to document our activities to the rest of the world via Twitter and digital photos.
That was a good time. Chilling on a boat, drinking beer, talking movies and games.